I am a Muslim in limbo. I am not sure of which way to turn. My head is on backwards and my heart is turned inside out. I have been struggling for 4 years to quell the voices of my conscience, which are clearly telling me that I must be crazy to believe all of these things. But at the same time, I left Islam once before, only to return out of shear fear that maybe I was wrong. And yet, I still cannot get those voices out of my head, and it effects me on every level. I have children now, and I do not want them to learn these horrible things. I also do not want to feel this repression, that I cannot truly be who I am for fear of hell.
Despite all this there are multiple reasons why I am afraid that I will never be able to leave Islam. The biggest reason is that I cannot seem to completely rid myself of this brainwashed mentailty ‘Islamic thinking’: I am going to hell. Also, I worry how this would change my family dynamic. My husband is Muslim, and he wants our children to be raised Muslim. Unfortunately he is not one of those ‘non-practicing’ Muslims, or even a ‘moderate’ Muslim. Nope, he is Salafi and lately he has been showing more interest in the religion. I told him how I am feeling, but he is convinced that I will “come back to the right path.” The thing is, I was never really on the ‘right path’ to begin with. The other thing is, unlike most converts to Islam, I have immediate family who are also Muslim: my siblings. They converted after me. I feel I would be isolated, especially from my sisters, whose husbands would surely refuse to allow them see me, for fear of my influence on them. To be honest, that wouldn’t be an entirely unfounded fear.
Bottom line: I have this war going on in my head, and my reason is wining, but I am not sure of which steps to take down this slippery slope. I really would like to stop wearing hijab, but I do not know what the reprecussions of this are going to be. I dicontinued praying more then a year ago, which technically brings me outside the fold of Islam.
I am really just searching for like-minded people who can help me along on this journey. But I am not limiting opinions to those in agreement, I would also like to hear some voices of dissent, one way or the other. Please feel free to let me know your thoughts on Islam, whether good or bad.
I guess the question that I am faced with at this point is: Either way, what if I am wrong?